I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
