jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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