How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
