You're completely useless in the revolution.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
