Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
