I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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