The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
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