before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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