I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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