wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
