and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
