I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
