Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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