smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Randomize
