2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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