i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
