i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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