I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
