I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
