Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
