you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
