Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
