my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
