My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize