yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
