So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
