took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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