I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
