I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
