i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
