i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
