why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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