apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
