You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
