meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
