We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
