did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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