Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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