He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
