Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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