i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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