Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
