Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
