I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
