the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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