Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
