Dual....:-)
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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