somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
