just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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