the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Randomize
